Baldness is a hairy situation

A lot of UW-Green Bay professors are bright above the shoulders. That is mostly because their bald shiny heads reflect the light into students' eyes.

There are a lot of different theories about why so many professors are bald. Professors believe it is from students being lazy. Students believe it is from the stress of professors thinking up ridiculously hard exam questions.

Whatever it is, it's hard to overlook the fact that a lot of professors who are bald also have some sort of facial hair.

There is a direct correlation between bald professors and the likelihood they have a beard.

The Harvard of cosmetology, Hairvard University, released a study that shows a link between baldness and the chances of having facial hair.

Hairvard professor Dr. Harry Rogaine's research shows there is a 78 percent chance of bald men having facial hair.

"When men lose their hair, they tend to over compensate by growing it somewhere else on their body," Rogaine said. "It will most likely be on their face."

For bald men, growing facial hair is the way they calm their unsteadiness of losing their hair.

"According to Dr. Sigmund Freud, men have two kinds of envies—hair and penis envy," Rogaine said. "My study shows that Freud was right about one of them. I'll let Cox College figure out if he is right about the other one."

There are many insecurities that accompany baldness. Professors tend to fight it with facial hair.

"I like to wear a lot of turtleneck shirts," said Glen Beldwin, history professor. "Being bald, I need to have a beard because if I didn't, I would look like a roll of deodorant."

Business administration professor Robert Vaper, said, "I started losing my hair at 19 from working at a cabbage factory. I was bald by 22. I am a short guy and have a baby face, so people started calling me big baby. The only thing I could grow was a soul patch. Now my students call me Dr. Cabbage Patch."

Some professors just miss touching hair.

"When I lost my hair I was going through withdrawals," said Adam Little, German professor. "I would cut holes in my pants pockets, so I could run my fingers through my leg hair. My wife thought it was weird, so she sewed them up. My only options were run my fingers through my wife's whiskers or grow a beard. Needless to say, I grew a beard."

Some professors do not feel the need to have facial hair after baldness hits them.

"It is just a part of getting older," said Dr. John Person, political science professor. "I am happy to see I am going to leave this world just how I entered it—bald with no teeth."

Bald men sometimes get confused with being someone else.

"A student in one of my classes thought I was a celebrity's twin last May," said Jay Isso, physics professor. "Some people would think being called Danny DeVito's twin brother would be a compliment, but it really isn't."

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